what to do?

Today I actually had my first feelings of terror about survival.

I went to the dentist because of a toothache that's been coming and going over the last several months.

I was hoping that I would hear that it's "just a cavity and we can take care of that no problem..."

But no.

Instead he uttered those dreaded words:

ROOT CANAL.

Cost: $1,540

Insurance? Zilch

Lesson: Get insurance. Be active in PREVENTATIVE CARE. It will save your butt in the long run.

Now I need to fix my tooth (in the 3rd trimester), have my baby, figure out where we're going to grad school, where we're going to live, fly there (because it's 99% guaranteed that we'll be flying to our next place of residence), and set up the nest all over again.

How much money do we have?

not enough...I'll just leave it at that.

I feel like such a useless bump on a log, like a financial burden. can't get a job, can't make money...

so it's time to turn inward, re-evaluate, and find a solution.

"When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

I just have to look around and find it.

affirmations

Yesterday Keola and I went to Waimea for part 1 of our 2 part natural childbirth class. It's taught all day for two Saturdays so we'll go back again next week. I wouldn't say I learned anything REALLY new, because let's face it, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about pregnancy, labor, birth, and the becoming a new mom. What I DID get from this first day of classes was an affirmation that I am gaining the right PERSPECTIVE, that my body was designed to birth and feed babies, that it knows how to grow a baby and therefore knows how to push a baby out, that the hormones involved with birthing and bonding with a baby are miraculous and cannot be duplicated by science, that my baby is a person who can sense my emotions; therefore if I am fearful, she will be fearful and her first lessons will be lessons of mistrust because fear is the opposite of trust. In labor, we learned that fear creates tension, tension creates pain, and pain creates more fear. The body closes up at a time when it needs to open. Conversely, trust allows you to relax, give up control and allow your body to do its' work. The body begins to open, and as it does, we learn to trust the process more, continuing the cycle of relaxing and opening. I trust myself. I trust my body. I trust my husband to be there for me as he has always been. I trust my baby that she will move exactly as she needs to, and I trust that she trusts me.

As I near 30 weeks, and begin my 10 week countdown, I feel a surprising sense of peace and closeness to her and Keola. Neither of us can wait to hold her and give her all of our love.

the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010

Well, Christmas and New Years are over, we're back in Hilo and life is in full swing. We had a wonderful and memorable vacation with our family and friends. I've been lazy to blog about it so here's what we did in a nutshell:

Went to Zippy's and got my fav: Portuguese bean soup

window shopped at Ala Moana...

bought a video camera because we'll actually have something cute to film in the next couple months...

...watched Stomp at the Hawaii Theater with our friends Shannon and Maria

Watched Avatar, 3D, Imax might I add, which was SOOOO worth it

visited our old stomping grounds...

went to the beach...

watched my little brother open his mission call *tear*

got fat...

...and took lots of amateur pictures...

The Day After Christmas

Walking down Hukilau beach shoreline with my t-shirt protecting my fragile ego. I glance at the ocean and hoped no eyes would observe the dark lines of my stretch marks and the shape of my pear like body. It's amazing what a few dozen pounds can do to ones self-esteem. There is no need for me to worry about finding my future love because that ship had already sailed. So why do I worry about strangers whose opinion is worth less than the penny on the bottom of my backpack pocket. On lookers probably don't care whether or not I'm fit or that I hang over my surf shorts. The only person that cares is me. My wife, serving as my white knight, protects me with her self assuring smile. With her comfort, I dive into the cool ocean water with my shirt off and engulf myself in the utter joy of swimming in mother nature. Oh, how I love to swim and lose all my senses to the taste, touch and smell of Hukilau. This is one of many reasons why I would love to live in Laie, my place of solace.

Christmas Morning

Christmas started off like any other. Basketball on the tube and Portuguese sausage fumes filling the kitchen. No presents were touched as everyone anticipated the main event of the day. Like the rising tide, you could feel the excitement fill grandpa's house. Once I took the last bites of my breakfast, we all headed up to the chapel. While we waited for skype and relatives to arrive, I worried that my filming skills wouldn't be up to par with the importance of opening a mission call. While I waited, I observed dad and every other person who were computer literate accept the mission to create an open portal to relatives afar. After blood, sweat and tears, "serendipity", everyone arrived and the world grew smaller by the power of technology. After Bruce's mission was made known, I realized that this Christmas wasn't like any other. It would be a special day. For an Angel just received his wings and in a few months he will answer the prayers of open hearts.

For those who care, we'll be posting a special video of this event for family and close friends soon. Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table watching a Christmas classic. No, it isn't Scrooge or Miracle on 34th Street or even It's A Wonderful Life. You tired of guessing yet? Well, if you haven't figured it out, a Christmas classic since I can remember that brings the family together with a barrels of laughs, Home Alone. Nothings says Christmas like two grown men getting beaten up by an 8 year old kid. Laughter is the gift that keeps on giving and Home Alone keeps delivering the belly aching presents.

Thoughts of a Future Father

Laying in bed, I look across and as peaceful as can be, my wife snoozes away. It's amazing to think a child is growing inside of her. Our child. I wonder how she will look like or the type of personality she will have. Will she be active and playful or cautious and reserved? Will she understand how much her parents love her and will I be able to show her all the love I have inside? These questions constantly barrage my mind as I worry about my adequacy as a father. Did my father have these same questions? If he did, he didn't treat his children the way I want to treat mine. This brings me anxiety, as I contemplate how far the apple has fallen from the tree. Do I know what it takes to be a father? No one taught me the right way. All I know is what I saw and what I saw isn't good enough for me. This desire is what drives me to work hard in school and pushes me to follow a different path from the one my father had chosen. Instead of finding relief from everyday worries through drugs, I find peace through church activities, movies and other things that aren't as self destructive. I know I won't be a perfect father but I do know what I can do to be a better one. That's all I can do, is be better than my father and hopefully my children will be better than me. The circle of life, I guess. These are the thoughts of a future father.